Firstly, don’t let the somewhat homoerotic headline put you off, this isn’t one of those salacious videos you might associate with Paris Hilton, but featuring our very own Jack Woodward. However, if Jack yanks your chain and that is what you came here for, I apologise, but stick around you might like it all the same.

I should tell the back story to this first, bear with me. I was working away on something this evening when all of a sudden I heard Jack’s voice come booming through my ear buds with the most random, hilarious metaphor I’d ever heard, even by his standards.

It wasn’t immediately clear why Jack seemed to be talking to me, but just as I was about to put it down to some odd religious experience I remembered that I had the match centre on the OS open in a dormant tab – they were covering the reserves game at home to Portsmouth, which finished 2-0 to Villa I believe – and I’d forgotten all about it.

Sure enough, when I checked that page I noticed that whoever was modding had shared an audio file in the chat. Well, I couldn’t leave it there, it was too brilliant to let it fade into distant memory. So naturally I grabbed it, added a bit of the “sleep commentating” audio, mixed in some tasty beats and have created what could easily be the next number 1.

Well, probably not, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. I was planning on making a video, but don’t really have the time right now, so I give you Jack Woodward: Intimate Experience *shudder*:-

(This audio clip has been removed)

I hope listening to this hasn’t conjured up images that are too disturbing. If so, I sincerely apologise.